Back With More BS

It’s been a long time since I came on here. I read through my previous posts. Boy, what was wrong with me then? I don’t even know that person.

I’m going to try to come on here more often. I really need an outlet. I know no one reads these anyway, so I don’t have to hide what I say. It is really some of the freedom I have. I might list this site on my yahoo or something just in case anyone really wants to know what’s going on with me. The only problem with that is there is a lot in my life that I don’t want my family to know about. If I post it here and they read it, I could probably never face them.

I really have started hating myself again. More than I thought possible. I dispise the person I am. I am repulsed by things I have done. I want it all to be forgotten and for me to start over. My god, wouldn’t that be nice? Second chances.

Anyway, I’m really writing because of Murphy. He says that he loves me and yet he does things that says otherwise. He’s trying to change that. He’s doing good so far, with few slip-ups. Rome wasn’t built in a day. But there are other things I have a problem with. He wants me to love him back. I cannot tell him that I can’t, or that I won’t. I have no way to explain it that someone else would understand.

How could I just tell him, “I will not love you. I do not want to love you. I cannot love you. I don’t want to love anyone ever.” Not a person would understand that. Everyone would say, “Everyone wants to love”. I don’t. I have been hurt too many times. I have turned people who loved me into something that hurts them.

Take Ray for example. I know he had a lot of personal problems. He was on drugs; he was unbalanced. Anyone would say that it was him that ruined the relationship and not me. I know different. I drove him sometimes. I didn’t try my hardest. Sure, I did love him. I gave him my heart. I almost said I gave him my all, but that isn’t true. I could have tried harder. Maybe it would have ended differently somehow. Anyway, that’s a dead horse.

What about Miguel? I haven’t written about him. He is a future blog. Anyway, I was with him from July 4th 2008 to March 2009. He tried to kill me. I know I pushed him to do it. I didn’t try with him. I wanted someone to sleep with at night, someone who was there. He put up with my bullshit a long time. He put up with the prostitution and with me seeing Murph. He put up with me spending too much time with the fish and spending too much money on things I didn’t need. He put up with me not wanting to cook, or clean. Finally, I just drove him over.

I don’t know exactly what pushed him that far. Maybe it was everything combined. Maybe it was something else. Something I said. Something I did, or didn’t do. I know that Miguel wasn’t who he said he was. I know that he did nothing but lie to me. But something about me drove him to a point where he wanted me dead. I don’t even know exactly what.

Now Murph wants me to love him. He wants me to care for him without hesitation. He wants me to give him my all. I just can’t do that. I can’t let myself fall in love again. I really do not think that I could love him if I did. It’s not really a fault in him, it’s mostly a fault in me. I don’t want to destroy another person because of their love for me, or my love for them in Ray’s case. His fault is his brutal tongue. I can’t love a man who abuses me verbally. And I can’t love a man who I could hurt without meaning to.

Even if he was never verbal with me again, I still couldn’t love him. I don’t trust myself to. I can’t open my heart and love another person when I know that I will break them. I may mean to, but more likely it will be some fault of mine that I cannot change. I feel I am meant to hurt the ones who love me. I’m meant to be alone for now. I wish that I could do the family and romance thing. Have a beautiful house with children and a husband. Grow old and have grandchildren who come over. All that.

But I know that with each relationship I have with a man, I will slowly and methodically destroy him. I won’t mean to. I don’t even know I’m doing it until it is too late. How can I explain all this to Murph?

How can I explain that I do not want to care for him because if I do, I might fall in love. If I do that, I will cause him too much pain. He might try to kill me, or I might try to kill him. Or he might kill himself because of me. Why should I take the risk?

Most days I just wish that he would stop loving me. Maybe just be a friend who sees me every week or so. It would hurt him so much less. And it would hurt me less too. Then I wouldn’t have to try so hard to keep a wall around my feelings. I am not saying I do love him. Right now, I do not. I cannot. I will not. I have feelings for him, I just don’t know what they are. I think if I didn’t care about him, I wouldn’t cry so much over what he says.

Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe I need to be in one dysfunctional relationship or another. I just don’t know.

I want to begin fresh. I want to move and only my family know where I am. I want to change my name (not legally though) and I want to go where no one knows about me. I don’t want to prostitute and I don’t want to have to care for anyone but the dog and myself. I want it to be like I was born again. With not mistakes, no regrets. I would be a new me.

But this doesn’t happen. I am stuck being this person I hate. Can I really go the next 50 years or more like this? Can’t I change into the person I want to be? Please God, let me turn into the person I want to be. The person I can trust. The person who can love another human being without worrying about destroying them. Please God, I know I am not a religious person and that I only seek you when I need something, but I still beg of you. Change me so that I do not seek you only when I want something. Change me so that I can be who I want to be….

Itching

Well, I’m in my new apartment. It’s pretty nice except for the bed bugs. I’ve gotten 35+ bites in two nights. I can’t even call the manager about it because Ray and the dog aren’t supposed to be living here. I’ll have to find some other way to deal with the little critters. I took an oatmeal bath for over an hour. It was nice but the itching is back. It will all be okay after Ray gets the bug spray. I just hope we won’t have to get rid of our bed too.

First Post

I never planned on ever creating a blog. I guess that now I feel a need to do it. I know no one will ever read these posts and if they do, they probably won’t read through all of them. To those who actually do read any of these posts, I thank you for listening. Now, to continue with my complaining about life. Lol.

I’m an 18 year old woman who has always had a hard time getting along in life. I spent most of my minorhood as an immature person. I craved for attention that didn’t hurt me. Throughout most of my schooling career, I was teased mercilessly. This, in addition to being molested brutially from ages 6 to almost 13, had my self-esteem under 60 feet of shit. I’ve tried to become mature and responsible, but without real success until I met Ray. He changed me a lot.

Ray is twice my age. He’s 37 years old. He is fit, sweet, and handsome. We met the same day he moved into the place next door. I moved in with him the next day, mostly out of rebellion towards my grandmother. That was September 25th, 2007. I’ve been with him every day since then.  We just moved into our own apartment. It’s subsidized housing and the rent is only $53 a month. Not bad for my first apartment. Ray’s helped me a lot. He helped me find a place of my own, helped me do things a normal adult does, and is trying to get me to act more mature. All would seem perfect, but not so.

Ray is a drinker. He likes 211s and another type of beer that I cannot recall the name of. It’s a black can with yellow design. Starts with an “S”. I like to drink myself, mostly Seagram’s Wine Coolers (Flavored Beer) and wine such as Strawberry White Zenfandale. Anyway, Ray becomes so different when he drinks. He becomes so agitated that I can just see him wanting to kill something. He forgets how strong he is and sometimes hurts me without meaning to. He also becomes verbally abusive.

I thought I could put with it because I’ve fallen deep in love with him. He’s given me everything, but cannot stop his absive behavior when he’s drunk. I’d worked so hard to raise my self-esteem, but it’s being torn down by the man I love. When he’s drunk, he doesn’t even seem to care. He’s gotten me so stressed out that I’ve actually become physically abusive towards him. Last night, he accused me of being a trick and a whore. He wouldn’t stop abusing me and I couldn’t stand it any longer. I slapped him across the face. He said he would never raise a hand to me. He broke that. He slapped me back.

He slapped me back. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love him and yet he’s tearing me down. I don’t want to be without him just yet. I still need his support. But what good is that support if every other day I feel like dying because of his careless words. I pray to Allah that I will have an answer soon to these doubts.